Closed Door. – Day 4

It’s like a big mahogany door,
That shuts bang in your face
And says you can’t get in.
Sorry you have no pass key.

It deems you unworthy of the carpet
The woolen carpet there in
That your sore feet could rest upon.
A haven for your blistered soles.

So it drags you back to that darkness,
Of a dungeon devoid of expression
Cold and lifeless
Of a path of the past.

A rocky path you know all too well,
That trod your feet sore
So down drops your laden body
You shall tarry there a while.

AGAIN.

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Two Men. – Day 3

I adore the man,
My first love
To give everything could seem enough,
But yet perfect love is immeasurable.

I love this man,
He first loved me then fixed me.
He didn’t just tell but showed
That there is more to unconditional
Than what the oxford told.

I owed this man.
Because he lost so I could win,
So i gave him my heart.
And then I won another man,
One after the other man’s heart.

This other man;
The blessing of my first love,
The knight in every armour,
Pitched camp at my castle
And re-set a rhythm some place beyond my ribcage.

This other man;
He loves with the strength of Samson,
And leads with the wisdom of Solomon.
My fear bids farewell in this perfection.
Because perfect love casts out fear.

In the moment. – Day 2

Time check 23:06 hrs (the time of writing – or should i call it drafting – the blog post). It is because i usually write down in my notebook before i type it out. I just don’t know how to let go of my book. I thought i was alone until another blogger tweeted about the old school style; i forgot his handle, i wish i could mention. But i digress…

I feel nice. Nice for example sitting at the kitchen bar all by myself at 11 pm with just two dim lights making it cozy enough for mind travelling; and also the feeling of having of having the entire living room behind me all to myself. It feels nice. it feels free, it feels awesome and almost refreshingly better than a warm bath on a cold day because my days (and home) involve 5 other people who either get me too excited for myself, or too angry to live. So you understand now when i say i feel so good i could sing so loud, but then i might wake the party.

The point is my dream came true. Not about being a loner, but about being able to be alone whenever the heck i want. For someone like me it is not easy getting here, no, not at all. I thank Jesus everyday. So i’m at the kitchen bar, propped up on this high seat or stool, simanyi. On my right is an empty glass of water (do you see that madness? Empty glass of water??) It is a glass that i just used to drink water, and it is now empty (i am sure there’s a shorter version on how to say all that). And further next to the wall is a solar/electric lamp that i have not dared to use because i just haven’t. On the other side is an empty plate of food <– I did it again. It is the plate i just used for supper and it is wiped clean; i never finish a plate of food, let alone leave no crumbs but because after my experience across seas, i learned that you only take what you will finish and better still, you take less than you need so you are sure of finishing your food and then you are able to figure out if you can take another helping. However, back here, if not at home, it is really embarrassing to take a second helping; you will either appear like you just fell from Mars, or you will be the talk of your circles for the better part of the next few months be it jokingly or worse. You just never know when and how the teasing starts.

Every two or so minutes when i take a break to think of the next better line i can add to this post, i rest my chin in my palm and my elbow supports the weight as i crane my neck towards the dim light from the bulb just above my head. It’s as though the thoughts are travelling through the light and i can read them. But also because, like the previous post, this one, and the next ones to come this week, i have no idea what to write about. I just felt good, that’s all. I am also just a bit proud of myself for getting back to what i had left for cobwebs and possibly death. And i hope i can have actual inspiration on stories to write about to keep this place breathing and dusted; most bloggers and or writers do (have inspiration), not like the lot of me who just write fwaa.

This moment though… This moment is mine.

NEW(S) – Day 1

blog pic

If there’s anything happening, all I can think of is my new surroundings, job and state of mind. It’s not a frenzy, but I think the real word just finally showed itself. I am not scared or unprepared; I am rather curious and just a little excited (yes, I love my job but I can’t be too excited because then my new found physical and mental freedom will sink in and I will be impulsive with my decisions…but yet I want to stay sane).

I had no idea how short the days would become for a typical 8-5 individual. Okay, I did. I’ve tried this before. I just don’t know why everything feels real(er) now. Onto the short days, they’re very short. Then this starts to make me think about the women in or out there, and or the mothers. How they even start to carry themselves off their chairs, slip on their high heels, tuck back their pumps (read flat shoes), to head back to another whole job that could either be relaxing on one very rare day or murderous on one very common day. Not that I have a family to go back to, I am just assuming; because I have a group of people I go back to every evening (or is it “go back with”) too, and my days are yet to make comfortable meaning. The transition is still fresher than ever. As for personal space, that’s a story for another day.

There’s one lady I don’t get though; The kitchen lady at work. I am almost as afraid of her as I am with hens. I said good morning in the kindest and sweetest way to the kitchen lady this morning. She didn’t respond. I asked to borrow a knife that I’ve seen a couple of times before, and she shook her head. I wasn’t offended. I was scared.

I never know when she is happy or when she is angry. Sometimes I will ask questions and she is silent; then in 2 seconds I figure out that it was one of those questions with obvious answers and then I’ll just go ahead with whatever I was thinking. On other days she will smile when I say good morning, and then I will feel like i just won a 100 metres race with Usain Bolt in it. I don’t get her. As you make your cup of coffee, she will watch you take half boiled water from the boiler and into your sugar and coffee and tell you afterwards before you stir that you have just used un-boiled water. You did not see her take out and replace the boiling water, and she did not tell you. And you did what you did because you heard her mention to another that they could use water from the boiler. I noticed also that she doesn’t have an actual laugh when she says some jokes and it is only the longer-serving employees here that can figure that out. Me I just be thinking I’m in trouble.

There’re people with interesting names too, like names of former US presidents and also people that bend the rules from 1-10. I envy those ones because they look like they get away with it. But it’s a cool place, neighboring huge malls (read a huge mall), great radio stations, nice looking fuel stations with fancy restaurants. Not that I can even go to those places. No dear. I walk further down to mama-someone’s place. So maybe sometime when I want to do one of those self-celebratory things, I should love myself a bit more and make an order on Hello Food; one time won’t kill, will it? One time won’t make me broke as a mouse…or will it?

The first I knew.

But of course there was no way I could have happened just like that, you were the first man I knew. At least for a little while.. well. I want to say something about you, maybe many things or even nothing at all. It just depends on how much my spirit can manage . You see, every time I have spoken about you I noticed that I am hardly moved. But sometimes, I could cry a bucketful if I didn’t stop before the next detail. I am not sure why, but I guess It’s because there were some lovely things about you despite the hurtful ones..and maybe I have a hope that you still think of me as important. You’re so much alive, although very much alone. I can’t seem to figure out why you took to loneliness and I’m sure that is not something I will know as long as I live, seeing as you have succeeded in remaining discreet. What I don’t understand is why you won’t see me, why you won’t show me that you still love me as you always say.. I keep thinking what it is that I did wrong. Yes, at this point am only speaking for myself. Well, in the movies, kids always blame themselves for grown upsmesses even when they didn’t even have a follicle to do with it. But well, I could be anything but dumb. Maybe I had something to do with it, ofcourse with the rest of us. I feel so much that you went against what u taught. But whatever the case, we were supposed to stick together through the fog and stuff. I wanted to know what it felt like to talk about you to a friend, or even someone special. To know how it felt to listen to words of advise from your wise brains. To know what your point of view sounded like.

Father+daughter+black+family

Forget feelings, I thought you were doing all you could to make me happy. Not just me, but you know who else. That night…the night beside my bed when you didn’t just shed tears, but wept for God to do something. You didn’t know I was awake, but I was and i heard everything..it’s been our little secret because I wanted to see for myself if you really meant what you said, if those tears were anything. I started to think that maybe God didn’t give you what you asked…something like He abandoned you. But you see, that was no reason to abandon me either…two wrongs, as the old adage suggests, do not make a right. But you didn’t know that. You also didn’t know that even though God was your shoulder but made you feel like He left, you were supposed to be mine, but you just walked off and left my head hanging. Hanging with pain, confusion, disillusionment and everything that comes with abandonment except ANGER. Yes, I have failed to be angry at you. Not that I had forgiven you by then, (now I have) but I just couldn’t be angry. I thought you were coming back for me, that you had this very solid reason that would make me cry so hard with forgiveness when you came back for me. I thought all that until I chose to wake up. I chose to accept my fate and tell myself that you will not come for me. That you don’t want me anymore,.that I am the reason you left because you were too weak to carry my imperfections, too sorry to face me with the truth that you felt inadequate and unworthy to be loved by me, but yet I do. I don’t know how true this is, but they say if you love someone, you let them go (most probably if you’re the danger itself..otherwise you stick with those you love, like white on rice or skin on flesh, whatever) so if that’s what you were trying to do, I had the right to know still. I love you even then. That even when you come back, if ever you will, I shall run and cry on my pillow after whatever you will have as a reason for letting me go. Did I mention that at some point in my life I often try to remember what you look like? It is until I rummage through the old boxes for a picture of you..although from what I gather, you have had your share of days. Yes. I always forget what you look like..it’s as though you never happened to me, or like you came and blew past like the breeze here from the lake on a hot afternoon that leaves you wanting for as long as the sun still scorches. I keep visualizing my special day. That day when you’re supposed to take my arm through those doors, down the aisle to say my I dos to one who I fear you shall not meet. But I can also clearly see you standing me up again for the millionth time.

Women @ Desks.

Sometimes I want to think that a woman behind a desk, is the worst thing that ever happened to the corporate world. Believe me. Sometimes.
I’ve had quite a number of encounters with these women, and I can assure you those were not experiences to treasure because every time I turned to leave, I prayed for an opportunity to “show them how its done”..to show these women (I am strongly refraining from calling them ladies because I think they hardly act like it) what respecting people, regardless of their age, really means. And what it means to work with people, the importance of smiling at strangers, and to be at the frontline of the enterprise, to be the definition of that business. But well..like a friend once wrote, “A customer who is angry and says nothing is a customer you have lost.” So I leave, and never get back to that office.

The other day, I had to gather 6 signatures for my final year students’ form so I can be at par with the responsible administrators before I graduate next month (yay). So anyway, even if the registrar is available, he can’t sign before the librarian because his signature comes 5th and the librarian’s is first. I made way to the library and this lady, sorry..woman, who looks like all she does is sit all day and eat, was actually eating; her fingers all oily eating the last bit of her food, fish head and stuff. Her eyebrows shooting up like as if to her hairline, she looked up at me as I told her what I was on about; sounding very disturbed, she went like “come later, I’m eating” then gave me 30 minutes.
Half an hour on the dot, I went back and when she took my form, she started to read my name trying to mumble the pronunciation and her face changed and wore this tired, confused but yet disgusted look then she asked “banange how do you pronounce this name and which country do you come from?”
Believe me, by this time I was done putting up with being polite, and the intimidation that comes with it. All this time she was looking up at me in intervals of 2 seconds and meanwhile I decided to be tough..I kept eye contact with a very staright face I could scare a mosquito from biting if the time was 7pm. Anyway, with my face transformed to “mean”, I said my name and nationality so confidently almost angrily, she hardly listened. After which she said soflty “ooh okay. Kati let me check your records”

Yes!! I had made it. I had overcome my baby face, I had done away with my sweet tone, I had faced my foes, haha. Those people who look down at me and think they’ll say all they want in my face and get away with it. Those women who look very tired with their passionless jobs and take their misery out on lovely and polite faces like mine.